I'm on a quest of forgiveness My Name is Earl style. But the person I most need to forgive is myself. Forgiveness itself is one of the hardest things to do fully without resentment or hidden hurt feelings but self forgiveness is almost impossible. I need to forgive myself for being alive, frankly. I am not the person who I want to be. There's so much I want to do and be but I am just a girl and things don't happen overnight. I cannot suddenly be well adjusted and free of emotional distress overnight. I have made mistakes and I am not perfect. So I am trying to get to know myself better because before this year I was a stranger to my own self. I made so many bad decisions because I just didnt know myself at all. At the end of the day you have to love yourself.
So I am trying to better myself, both mentally and physically. I have a lot of emotional problems and while I thought I was in touch with my emotions I frankly do not think so. I am trying to be more active instead of letting myself sit on the couch all day because it just makes me feel depressed, so I need to force myself into living until I actually want to.
This coming school year, I am dreading it, but I will grow and learn and help myself to care and feel and actually get excited about things again and feel compassion and love. I will jump into the things I want to do instead of always creating excuses and shying away and wishing things were different. I will create and be alive.
And last but not least STOP BEING JEALOUS. I am so jealous of other girls my age who have it figured out and are successful and it's a trap set up by society. Instead I need to celebrate their success and learn from what they've done and use it in a positive and encouraging way instead of constantly comparing myself in every possible way.